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Thread: Confusing relationships

  1. #11
    Skarsgard's Avatar AF 500 Club Member Pro Membership
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pixie97 View Post
    Good morning New Zealand! I know this isn't exactlyyyyy an advice forum but I decided to take to here to for a hopefully therapeutic discussion since I'am pretty sure all of us have been through a relationship,good or bad. As a disclaimer this is going to get rather long and perhaps emotional so if you wish to just ignore this then please do,and thank you for your time.

    So for everyone else,buckle up. I'am sure most of you must be sighing and shaking your head at the mention of this guy having a relationship issue,but it does feel to be something rather...convoluted and maybe even psychological or philosophical. Its not a day to day relationship problem which I couple of beers can solve.

    Just a bit of background info on my past before I dive into things since this will help set the tone which explains some of my actions. I've always grown up in a conservative household, never was one for much social interactions,barely had many friends yet alone girlfriends. With the start of turning 18 and leaving home I decided that I wanted to make a change in my life. I started socializing at clubs,forcing myself out to interact and it became a rather tiring first year away from home. I quickly grew to feel that I wasn't naturally gifted when it came to being social. Never the less I started to come out of my shell slightly and felt less and less depressed with life.

    Towards the end of last year I met someone who is the reason behind this whole post and is the reason behind me having gone astray and confused. It was clear from early on that this girl liked me. Although I didn't quite share the exact same feelings,possibly due to a lack of physical attraction. She continued to pursue me as I continued to fail at socializing with the girls at clubs and other social events. Finally at the start of this year some switch flipped in my head and I got into a relationship with the girl I met last year,lets just call her Stacy for convenience sake.

    At that point I had told myself that this girl had a personality that other girls didn't. When most girls seemed to find me boring or not want to hang out with me,Stacy would find me interesting and stick around regardless of what I did. A few months into the relationship and things quickly started to turn foul. There were several fights (but thats not exactly what this is about), there were several problems,namely her being overly emotional and needing far more attention than I could spare.

    One problem lead to the next and now, over half a year into the relationship I can feel my affection for her fizzling off. Theres absolutely no attraction for me anymore and it feels like its affecting my way of treating the relationship. I feel like I no longer care about her,I can't be honest with her,I can't say any nice things since I genuinely don't mean anything nice that I say anymore. And I legitimately want to eject from the relationship because of how negative it feels and how my heart is just not in it.

    Oddly enough,despite all these fights,and lack of emotional support from my end,Stacy is still fully invested in the relationship! She plows on and still shows as much love and affection as she did from day one and seems more and more committed to the relationship. And this creates such a dramatic,polarizing effect between us.

    To sum it all up,its left me in such a confused state that I have no idea what to do. The bad emotions,fights and depression have slowly worn me down to a state where I no longer feel any love for her or the relationship. And I feel that this could have been caused due to me jumping into the relationship too early. I recognize now that I initially did feel a lack of physical attraction towards her,and males are visually attracted creatures,but I just had convinced myself that in a relationship personality might matter more and that I could tolerate the lack of physical attraction. But now I'am not so sure about that.

    Which leaves me at a cross road.

    To the left, there is a longer,much much longer,potentially life lasting relationship with Stacy. I know for a fact that she will hold strong and has the personality to continue with the relationship. But I really don't know how detrimental to my own mental health this could be. Being in a relationship with someone whom you're not sexually attracted to doesn't seem to make much sense and just makes it impossible to show any affection. Especially when I've sort of lost the energy to be able to convince myself that its alright to be in a relationship purely due to someone's personality.

    To the right,there is a life where I split off from this relationship. Sacrificing almost a year's worth of investment of time,effort and emotion. And force myself to go back to clubbing and trying to socialize,bearing and knowing the risk that I'am extremely anti social and may just slide back into the life of sadness and loneliness which existed before I met Stacy. But at the same time,maybe,just maybe theres a 1 in a billion chance of meeting someone who I'am attracted to and will be willing to enjoy my presence.

    To everyone to is still hanging around,thank you so much,it really does mean the world to me. And my question to you all is what do you make of this? In your opinion,what do you think is the right way forward and why? And have you ever been in a situation like this? If so how did you deal with it?
    Some guys spend their whole life looking for unconditional love. I suspect theres an element of because it wasnt hard for you, youre squandering an opportunity.

    But having said that If you dont love her, she doesnt deserve that.

  2. #12
    Wilbert's Avatar AF Jedi Pro Membership
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    My relationship with my first wife went this way. So we ended it.
    Now, many years later, we are very good friends, which is a good place to be.

  3. #13
    Zappa10's Avatar AF Black Belt Pro Membership
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wilbert View Post
    My relationship with my first wife went this way. So we ended it.
    Now, many years later, we are very good friends, which is a good place to be.
    My marriage of ten years ended when my wife took off with my best friend - sometimes I really miss him.

  4. #14
    Skarsgard's Avatar AF 500 Club Member Pro Membership
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zappa10 View Post
    My marriage of ten years ended when my wife took off with my best friend - sometimes I really miss him.
    lmao

    I have a friend who married another friends ex, he maintains the same, he lost a good friend that day.

  5. #15
    chuckie2's Avatar AF Black Belt Pro Membership
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    Been there done that with a marriage and kids . My advice is go fuck as many girls as you can . If you are anything like me , you will realise companionship , doing things together and having some one love you for who you are is the most important thing in life

  6. #16
    Adelphia's Avatar Century Contributor Senior Member
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    I would recommend couples counselling - it can be very useful to work out whether you want to salvage the relationship. If you do, a therapist can help work out what will rekindle the relationship and help improve communication about mutual needs. If the conclusion is that the relationship is over (which from what you say sounds likely) then the therapist can help you to end the relationship with dignity.

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